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Cancel my table au Cirque de Soleil ; I'll go for the candid camera corner ceiling chez Ashers. I'm reminded of all this by his characteristically succinct Quinault post about the ' best bed ', enhanced by my recent reading of Bill Bryson 's account of his Walk in the Woodsthem woods being the taxing Appalachian Trail. I so loved his punchline I sent it to my gruff bro', swearing to use it asap. Me, I can use it everywhere I go, and will: I'm having it translated sans delay. I'm constantly being ushered into sub-zero flea-ridden chambers where I bow and scrape and make a big to-do about pulling back the covers and then whip out the sleeping bag and nestle it over the more giving floorboards.
Best place to deliver it is my Scottish clients, but I don't know where to go for a decent translation. I have a vertiginous head when it comes to heights so I never looked down. One climb, we'd got a way up and were resting on an outcrop, untangling our ropes and congratulating ourselves on a major feat. Suddenly a hand appeared and up hauled a friendly face who secured his rope, accepted a cup of tea and then proceeded to lean to peer back down at what looked to be a 45 degrees angle at his companions. I felt sick just watching. They didn't make the ascent but the book was that month's best-seller in the UK charts. Cassell had just been bought by an American bunch so we were swarmed with ignorant MBAs and crew-cut smartie-pants.
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In London, on buses and in burger bars, poring over the phrase-book. I feel tears welling. I have a posh lunch and am wearing a suitable disguise as if I too am posh and relaxed - but I will give myself away with my red-eyed post-tears crumpled features. It's not just a question of taking a damp flannel So, where was I? Not as red-eyed as expected, but I look at that phrase-book and I suddenly feel the transmission of those hopes and good intentions and The thieving, the lying, the being used and so casually ab-used. The worst bit is the persistent trusting.
Oh to be one of Life's instinctive adult survivors. Nothing dramatic or mockworthy: I'll be out of the thievery, can't hack it, wouldnt know how to I look at you lot and I feel all moral authority drain Where did it go, where did the trusting dreaming Me go? Slowly hacked down, bit by emotional bit, everything stolen, not just jewels and heirlooms: